The Case of the 9-pound Baby

THE BOOK OF GABRIEL

Chapter 1

1 And it came to pass, that the woman entered the concrete building at her appointed time, the Friday before MLK day, to be inducedeth. But the head wet nurse said, "Nay, thou shalt not stay for this inducing, for the linoleum rooms are full, and thou doeth not have priority to have thy baby at this appointed time."

2 So the not-so-virgen maiden departed back to her home, angry at the wet nurse for not calling her the day before and telling her not to get up early to get ready for the appointed time that did not follow. And again while the maiden stewed within her mind, a phone call came from the wet nurse who guarded the linoleum rooms. But her news was maddening to the maiden, saying that there would be no room for her or her baby boy at the concrete building.

3 And it was not good, but the maiden's mother was there to console the maiden's madness, while the baby's father stayed away at school waiting for the smoke to clear. For this man knew that it would be his fault, regardless of his helplessness and the wet nurse's evil intents.

4 And then the next day came, for it was Saturday, and the movements of the baby did not cease. And the belly of the maiden squeezed at inconsistent times. So the maiden went to take a bath to help calm her womb's uneasiness.

5 And it came to pass that the voice of the baby Gabriel within in her womb spoke to the maiden while she soaked, saying, "To hell with this, woman! I'm comin' without that woman's approval." And he sent a little fluid as a precursor for the woman to see. And he caused the maiden's womb to squeeze to a rhythm.

6 And then maiden came from her bath and told the man with whom she loved, "Let's go. He's comin'." And the man, who was nearly asleep at the time, for it was the afternoon of a lazy Saturday and he had eaten a large lunch, awoke and took his fair maiden to the concrete building.

7 And to make a long story short, the baby Gabriel came from the maiden's womb later that night and cried and whimpered, for he was big, and nobody would tell him not to make such noises. And now all is well. For Gabriel is already nine pounds heavy, with feet the size of Sasquatch, and hair the color of light brown.

8 And it came to pass that the family rejoiced in the coming of the baby Gabriel. For he was here, and was about darn time.

9 Let it be heard: BEHOLD! Gabriel reigneth over the Allen household.